Is this what it feels like?
by fiftyshadeofcullen
Summary: Bella went off the rails when her boyfriend died when she was 17. Constantly drank, had one night stands, rebelled in class and didnt care about life. So what happens when she falls in love with he teacher? Can he save her? Contains swearing, sexual references and thoughts of suicide/self-harm.


**Disclaimer: all characters belong to Stephenie Meyers!**

**Authors note: i would like to say a quick thank you to my bestest who has helped me so much with both 'Lying To Love' and this one! so thank you Stacey! :)**

**P.S: this story may be a slow progressing story but I hope you all enjoy and please review :). Thanks :) **

I was never was the good kid at school. Never the kid who got the grades and made their parents proud. The kid the teacher always got along with. No. I was the complete opposite. The troublemaker in class. The rebel. The class whore. The easy one. The pushover. The one who never got through a full lesson, either being kicked out or voluntarily walking. Had constant one night stands. Quick and easy. Got wasted every weekend sometimes even in the week and if i had the opportunity getting high/stoned...that never happened much though. No. Not perfect at all. Never was perfect not even before all this started at the age of 17.

I woke up 6am Monday morning to the sound of my roommate Alice.

'Bella get up now! We're going to be late!' She was screaming pacing around my room packing my school bag with my work and lunch.

'Fuck off!' I shouted back taking the pillow from under my head and throwing it at her. My head was pounding from all the booze last night. I hadn't even had 2 hours sleep! Alice grabbed my duvet and threw it on the floor. I groaned and stumbled out of bed still quite intoxicated. I walked or should I say wobbled to the bathroom before kicking Alice out of my room and eventually with a struggle got changed into some dark blue super skinny jeans, white top with 'if you can read this then your too close!' written on it with a black hoodie over the top, sunglasses and a 'fuck the haters' baseball cap. I opened the door to see Alice with the front door wide open and ushering me out throwing my bag at me. I walked out and began to walk down the street in the opposite direction of my school.

'Bella where are you going now?!' Alice shouted across the road from me staring at me in utter disbelief.

'To S..Samuel's' ' I said slurring my words. Alice stared at me, then stomped off towards school like a naughty toddler. After a few stumbles I eventually made it to Sam's house and began hammering on the door. I heard him unlock the door and throw it open. I stormed passed him and wait straight to the cupboard grabbing a bottle of Sambuca and began to swig it down. Sam ran over and grabbed the already half drunk bottle out of my hand. I pushed him trying to get it back.

'No! Bella!' Sam shouted at me. 'Im not going to sit here and watch my little sister drink herself to death!' He sat down at the table, putting the glass bottle of Sambuca in front of him.

'Why Samuel? Why not? You let him die!' I screamed referring to my boyfriend Emmett. I picked up the glass bottle, drank what was left and threw it across the room. I began to walk back to the cupboard for more booze but slipped on the shattered glass which cut my arms. I staggered up onto all fours ad grabbed hold of the kitchen sink to help me up. Sam sat looking at me shaking his head tears filling his eyes.

'Whats going on?' i turned to see Embry my little brother standing at the door rubbing his eyes clearly tired. I looked away from him, ashamed of myself he was only 6 and I was coming in here setting a massively bad example.

'Nothing Eb, Bella's just being silly lets get you back to bed' Sam said softly taking Embry's hand and leading him back to his room. I quickly spied my chance, grabbing two bottles of Smirnoff. Sam would be furious but who cares if it's a way to take the pain away. I stumbled out of the house and eventually found the meadow me and Emmett used to go to all the time when he was alive.

I fell onto the grass on my knees and gripped hold of the grass tears fully flowing from my eyes now.

'Why him? Why my Emmett? Bring him back! I'll do anything God..anything!' I screamed up at the sky. I took hold of the Smirnoff and began drinking it, sobbing my heart out trying to take away the pain. I clambered to my feet with the second bottle in my hand and began to walk and trip my way to school.

I finally made it to school after falling over what felt like a hundred times. I found my way to my phycology lesson and opened the door falling straight onto my face.

'You're late and clearly drunk!' my new teacher spoke sternly. New teacher and already getting lectured. I shrugged my shoulders.

'Couldn't give a fuck' I point blankly stated, slumping down in my chair. I heard people begin to snicker behind where I was sitting. 'Oh and you lot can go fuck yourselves' I said nearly falling off my chair.

'Or you can fuck me instead?' I heard the class clown Edward state smugly. I turned to look at him, got off my chair and walked over to him straddling his lap. I grabbed the back of his head and pulled it down before kissing him passionately and roughly. I felt everybody staring at us. Well I was known as the easy going one in the school so I may as well live up to the reputation. Suddenly I felt somebody grab me from behind and pull me off of Edward. Whoever it was stood me down on the ground.

'Anyone else?' I screamed. 'I mean you all think I'm a pushover so c'mon heres your chance!' I shouted nearly falling but grabbing the desk in front to try and steady myself. Just as i was about to scream at them some more the bell rang to inform us it was the end of the lesson. I pushed a chair near to where i was standing and began to walk out of the class but was stopped by the new teacher.

'Sit!' he ordered. He waited for all of the students to leave the room before shutting the door behind them. I stood laughing at him. 'I said sit now!' I suddenly felt pressured and fell into the seat behind me. He sat on the edge of his desk looking at me. I'm not gonna lie but he was hot!

'Name?'

'Anything you want it to be baby!' I said looking up into his eyes..his eyes! Big blue piercing eyes. He got up and moved leaning now in front of my table so our eyes were looking at one another.

'I asked what your name was.' he stated sounding rather annoyed.

'Isabella Swan' I murmured rubbing my head which was now absolutely pounding. He put a glass of water down in front of me and I picked it up and began to sip it slowly.

'Well Isabella Swan what just happened in my lesson was completely unacceptable and for starters turning up late and drunk is not going to be tolerated in my lesson! Do I make myself clear?' He asked staring down at me as if I was a small child. I nodded, clearing my throat trying to clear the thoughts of the things I would do to him from my head. He was so God damn good looking! He looked like a God! All I wanted to do was run my hands through that blonde hair and feel his lips against mine. I couldn't take my gaze away from him. 'You're going to have to catch up on today's lesson also so I'd like you to come in tomorrow to catch up' I nodded again unable to speak, time alone with this new teacher. I didn't even know his name all I knew is i wanted him. 'Tomorrow in here at 4pm?'

'Yeah..yeah I'll be here' I spoke hardly stopping to catch my breath. I went to walk out of the class.

'and sober please..' he spoke buttoning up his jacket. 'I'll walk out with you' he stated matter of factly as if I didn't have a choice. We walked..well he walked and I wobbled like usual outside. I was just walking down the steps when I completely lost my balance and slipped down 8 steps landing on my cut arm. I let out a scream of pain and next thing I knew was the teacher taking hold of my arm gently in which I had fallen on and rolled up my jacket sleeve. He gasped as he rolled it up. I looked down to see cuts all over the lower part of my arm from my wrist to my elbow. Blood was still pouring from the cuts. I quickly pulled my arm away and rolled down my sleeve before unstably picking myself up and hurriedly walking away. I heard his footsteps behind me, getting quicker and quicker by the second.

'Isabella! I need to get you to a hospital! Your losing a lot of blood!' I carried on walking. I didn't care. The pain made me forget about the pain I felt with no Emmett.

'Emmett..' I whispered stopping in my tracks, a tear coming to my eye. I took my bag off my shoulder and pulled out a small bottle...this time vodka. I unscrewed the cap and took a small swig, it tasted amazing on my lips and it made me forget...forget about everything. I took another drink from the bottle when I felt my legs going from beneath me. My head started spinning and all I could remember was the feel of someone's arms around my waist. 'I knew we'd be together again soon Emmett' I whispered and then I blacked out.

I woke up to the sound of a machine beeping and my arm aching. I looked around the room searching for some sign of where I was.

'Is this it? Am I dead? Emmett where are you?' I began shouting.

'Isabella your in hospital. You are not dead in which I cant really understand why you want to be..' I heard someone sigh. 'You passed out from the loss of blood from your arm so I rang an ambulance immediately' I turned to face him, glaring at him. If looks could kill the look I gave him would definitely kill him..twice over.

'Why didn't you just leave me? Why did you have to get involved?' I spat. 'You don't know nothing about me!' he looked taken aback and went to reply just as the doctor walked into the room.

'Hi Bella. I would say its nice to see you again but in these circumstances it clearly is not. I've stitched your arm up and you need to keep them dry for 3 days. As soon as the drip has run out you'll be able to return home..and I do not want to see you here again!' Doctor Clearwater spoke. She'd seen me in this state and worse many of times and had become used to me being a usual patient. She walked over to the drip to check something. 'Its only got two minutes left remaining anyway so you'll be out soon. Is there anyone to take you home?' she asked looking at my teacher.

'I'll take her back' he spoke politely. I rolled my eyes, is that even legal to be able to take a student back to their house? Once the drip had finished a nurse came in and removed it before discharging me. I stood up from the bed, feeling a lot more sober now. I grabbed my bag and began to follow the teacher to his car.

'I don't even know your name' I stated childishly.

'Dr Cullen' I rolled my eyes again and climbed into the passenger seat of his black Mercedes. I explained to him where I lived before we set off. I began to shiver, it was absolutely freezing.

'Do you mind if I put the heating on?' I asked chattering my teeth. He nodded and we both went to switch it on. Our hands touched. I felt what seemed like a bolt of electricity run through my arm and a warm fuzzy feeling in my stomach. I moved away quickly as did he..I think he felt it too. We sat in silence for the rest of the ride. The only time I had ever felt like that was when I met Emmett...I couldn't feel this for another man...especially a teacher..could I? Dr Cullen pulled up outside of my house and I quickly grabbed my things and virtually fell out of the car.

'Thanks Dr Cullen' I hurried before turning and running inside. I ran straight to my bedroom closing my door and sliding down the back of it. I sighed and shook my head. This shouldn't be happening.


End file.
